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Archive for October, 2013

Know Thy FOE

Hear me, o children. I shall now speak of that against which we toil and fight. The darkness that has spread and must be brought into light. The Forces of Evil, or Foe as we shall call them, are insidious and ubiquitous. But by knowing our Foes, facing them, and unleashing our amazing Geek powers upon them, we shall vanquish them. But before I go into detail about specific Foes, I will give a general overview of the nature of anti-Geekly Forces of Evil and how it affects us all.

In the beginning, there was an emptiness, a black field of nothingness. Then, structure began to appear; first, a sphere of light here and there, then more complex forms and designs. After a certain time, the universe began to pixelate into discreet branches and pathways, with countless spheres of energy populating it. Boundaries became part of reality, separating energy and matter, dark and light. And with all such analogies, good and evil. Did Evil come first, or Good? I don’t claim to know; perhaps it doesn’t matter. And as was inevitable in an evolving universe, life formed. And with that life, struggle.

It is the nature of life to seek to continue itself and, in order to do so, it must feed on and use energy. The energy that ultimately comes from the creation of the universe, which is in all things. However, as you know, some life craves its own continuance too greatly and hoards more energy than it needs. Thus is born all struggle and strife; the great ongoing fight to sustain oneself in the universe. Life competing with other life for access to finite energy resources. But what happens when access to those resources fall out of balance? Strife. Famine. War. Death. Sometimes on a scale too great for our puny human minds to comprehend. “But,” you ask, “how do we know how much energy is fair and balanced for me to take?” Let me answer by asking you a question.

Consider the creation of the universe as described above. Now, instead of humans and dolphins and spiders and slime mold evolving, imagine a universe populated by ghosts… and Pac-Man. A vastly simplified universe where entities compete for energy. There seems sufficient energy pellets for the number of inhabitants, but somehow they are never enough. Why? See the truth!!pacman_french_citation__eat_the_world__by_okman179-d82s4dd

Consider Pac-Man versus his ghostly enemies. Why do we assume Pac-Man is the hero? What have the ghosts done to deserve such torture and death? Pac-Man’s entire purpose is to gobble up all the available energy and then persecute and destroy his competitors. Are the ghosts attacking him because they are Evil or because they are trying to defend access to their fair share of the resources? What is left of the universe when it is full of Pac-Men? Emptiness.

Therefore, we must consider the ramifications of our actions and motivations. Is what we are doing in keeping with the balance of the universe, or seeking to upset it? Chaos. Order. Good. Evil. Light. Dark. Bacon. Tofu. These are just words and concepts, meaningless in the greater scheme. All things are natural, as they are part of natural existence. But not all actions and behaviors support the healthy existence of the universe and are thus, in our definition, Evil.

As I said before, the Foe is insidious and will disguise himself (I say “him” as it’s just easier… rest assured there are plenty of the “herselves” too) and attempt to deceive and confuse you. This is why we must always ask ourselves “why?” and “what impact does this have?” for this is how you can cast off Evil’s spell of deception and recognize it.

Meditate on this, children, and speak your minds. For no man is an island, though some dudes can get pretty fat.


The Founding of the Church

What the hell am I doing here? No, I’m asking you. What do you think the hell I am doing on with this blog? Well, that’s a good question. I think it’s time for the Geeks to inherit the earth. The barbarians have had their shot, and this is a call for all good geeks, nerds, and weirdos to pick up your swords (figuratively) and go do battle against the Forces of Evil, or as we shall call them in our church, the Foe.

So this is a call to Crusade. And of course, the driving power behind any good crusade is the Church. So, my friends, you have witnessed the birth of a new kind of spiritual bastion against the Foe; a driving force for goodness and bacon. A shining beacon to light your darkest hour. We are the Holy Geek Orthodox Church… or, to avoid potential litigation, just the Church of Geek.

Consider me the missionary, come into your village and show you the wonder of the power of Geek. We don’t have just one holy book, we have thousands of them. We don’t subscribe to one belief system, we subscribe to all of them. We aren’t content to sit the shadows any longer while barbarians roam the land and enslave the populace. We will rise up with our D20 dice and our phasers set to awesome. Beware, our Foes, because we have flying cars and unicorns and magic arrows. We have compassion and understanding and science! And we know how to use them all.

So you have two choices now: you can join the crusade and let your geek flag fly, or you can let the hoard continue to ravage the land. Time to choose your own adventure.